You Don’t Say: How We Get Communication Wrong … and How to Get It Right by McNeal Demetria

Author:McNeal, Demetria
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Munn Avenue Press
Published: 2022-11-14T00:00:00+00:00

1. Social influence

Social influence refers to the way in which we change our ideas and actions to meet the expectations of a social group, perceived authority, or social role. In other words, we want to fit in. This is an interesting idea for us to think about regarding communication. Most of us are aware of social influence. We are subject to it every day via email, social media, cell phones, etc. But few people have thought about how it plays out in personal relationships.

For example, your best friend calls you and asks you to go with them to a party. Because you know how this friend parties, you know there will be excessive drinking, wild sex, and drugs at this party. Your friend knows you don’t drink, have sex in public, or do drugs, but they still invited you. They also mentioned several other friends who are going. They want you to be the designated driver. You usually serve in this role but lately you feel the parties have gotten more out of control, and your friend’s behavior has become more erratic at these parties. You don’t mind being the trusted designated driver, but it’s getting old. Because several friends are going, they are each separately calling you to go to the party. This is how social influence plays out in our everyday lives. It’s so normal and can seem subtle, but it can have a great impact on how we interact with each other. You might just go along with what everyone else wants because it’s easier. But if you are simply going along, that means you are not communicating how you feel. Instead, the feelings fester and continue to multiply over weeks, months, and years, turning to resentment and slowly decaying the friendship along with it.

Think about the last time someone or several close friends or family members tried to get you to do something that you were not comfortable doing. What did you do? How did it make you feel? How did it affect the relationship?

If you’ve ever felt the pressure of social influence, you may be wondering how you let it happen. “Am I just not strong enough to say no?” That is not it. Willpower alone is not sufficient. There are several reasons why we allow social influences to affect our thoughts and behavior and ultimately the way we communicate in our personal relationships. One reason is that we conform to the norms of a group to gain acceptance. We want to belong to this friend group or family group, so we readily accept their rules. Another reason involves the concept of “group think.” When this happens, we tend to have the same beliefs as those in the group and reject criticism from those who oppose or question the group’s behavior. In essence, we no longer think for ourselves; rather, we defer to the group for decisions.

In either instance, social influence is clear. So the question should not be, “How does this happen?” Rather, ask,

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