The Gay Man's Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage by Michael Dale Kimmel

Author:Michael Dale Kimmel
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781442268029
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers

CHAPTER EIGHT Balancing Sexual Expression with Emotional Connection

An open marriage can really feel like a balancing act: you want to be close to your husband and have great sex with other guys. You want to have both trust and passion in your marriage. You want excitement and comfort in your life. How can you balance all this?

Most of us want Superman in bed (passion) but Clark Kent (dependability) at tax time. We want to have the excitement of sex with several—or many men, but also keep a strong and loving connection with our husband. We don’t want our marriage to become sexless, yet we don’t want our hook-ups to become too emotionally demanding.

That’s quite a balancing act, isn’t it?

From my experience of counseling gay couples, I have observed that, over time, this balance between sexual expression and emotional connection will typically shift many times. These shifts are especially strong and frequent in open marriages.

Let’s talk about the idea of “emotional monogamy”: this is my phrase for being emotionally committed to your husband but not necessarily physically/sexually exclusive. For many of my clients, this is a cornerstone of their open marriage. Your husband is your #1 man and vice versa. There is probably no one you are closer to, although (I hope) you have good friends too. The two of you have no doubt that you will be there for each other, no matter what life sends your way. You obviously care for and love other people (friends, family, colleagues), but not as powerfully as you love your man.

Okay, that’s emotional monogamy.

When I meet a couple that is considering an open marriage, one of the most important questions I ask them is: “Can you separate sex (physical expression) from love (emotional connection)?” Why? Because a couple that can is likely to find the balancing act required of an open marriage to be fairly easy.

Let me give you a good example: Alexander and Eleuterio are a couple in their late thirties. They had lived together for two years and were talking about getting married; specifically, they were considering an open marriage.

Alexander: “I used to be a real slut. I was on a lot on hookup sites and had lots of sex. But, I never felt any connection to any of these guys, until I met Eleu. Although we met on Grindr, I knew he was special. Up until meeting him, it was easy to separate love and sex. With him, they go together. But I still get horny when he’s working for several nights in a row and we barely get to see each other.”

Eleuterio: “I work as a security guard at a club. Guys are always hitting on me, and since being with Alex, I always say no. But do I want to say no to every single guy for the rest of my life? Not really. I love Alex; he’s my man, but I want to have fun with other guys too, while I’m still young and cute.”

A couple that

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