If Nuns Were Wives by Chen Shani;Carlson Kristine;

Author:Chen, Shani;Carlson, Kristine; [Shani Chen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
Published: 2018-08-15T00:00:00+00:00

53

Improvements

I tend to be very critical of myself and feel terrible whenever I do something wrong. This was made even more apparent to me one night when my family was in Las Vegas. I was eight months pregnant and taking my one-year-old around the city while my husband worked at a convention.

I wasn’t used to driving around such hectic city streets, but for the sake of my daughter, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and did my best to show her around. On one of the evenings, I took her to a very popular Halloween destination. Unfortunately, we got stuck in horrid traffic on the way back. I became filled with anxiety due to all the aggressive drivers around us. Not only that, but as James waited for me at the hotel, my baby started crying and I missed my exit which landed me in even more traffic. By the time I finally made it back to our hotel, I had forgotten to bring the water jug that we all needed and had left my car in valet without giving my keys to the attendant. The valet guy had to chase me down all the way to the elevator. That was the last straw. I felt so horrible for causing someone such trouble on top of everything else. I started hating myself. My inner dialogue became so cruel and self-loathing that I was pressed hard beneath it.

A bystander who had watched the fiasco unfold by the elevator looked at me with kindness and said, “Hey, it happens.” Then he added, “Your baby is so cute.” It must’ve been the way he said it because I was suddenly flooded with his compassion and felt that, “If strangers could be so kind to me, then why am I so hard on myself?”

It was also at this time that I remembered what my guru had taught so often in the past. Every day, we must spend some time to recap all the things we did well. We must note our improvements and praise ourselves so that we can progress faster. With this thought in mind, I knew I had to go about things differently.

Putting forth an effort, I searched my brain and pursued a new route. “If I look at things in another light,” I started, “I should be very proud of myself because I stepped out of my comfort zone today for the sake of my toddler. For her happiness, I put myself in a stressful scenario and got more practice doing something I never do. I became better and braver. In the end, we arrived where we needed to. We didn’t get in an accident and we all got back safely. I should be proud of myself and I should also be much kinder to myself.” I knew I really needed to put my guru’s teaching to practice more.

After we got home from our trip, I tried to continue this exercise and to stop the constant harshness I felt for myself.

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