The Grade Cricketer by Dave Edwards
Author:Dave Edwards
Language: eng
Format: mobi, azw3, epub
Tags: Cricket, Humour
ISBN: 9781922129895
Publisher: Melbourne Books
Published: 2015-11-06T04:30:00+00:00
I’d sent my email to over 40 cricket clubs across most of Australia. The first nine replies were a cruel mix of bounce backs and spam. One club’s auto-reply directed me to an online pharmacy specialising in Viagra. Twenty minutes later, having duly cashed in on the 50 percent discount for bulk purchase, I returned to my inbox, where I was startled to find three positive responses. All I had to do now was show up at pre-season training, see which of the three clubs was the best fit, and my state dream could live on for another season.
I showed up at pre-season training for the first club, only to find out we were doing a 12 kilometre ‘time trial’ road run. After about 800m, short of breath and sweating profusely, I snuck off down a laneway and walked to my car. This club wasn’t for me. No dramas, still two more clubs to choose from.
I tried my luck at a second club the following week. As it turned out, this mob had recently hired a former state cricketer as head coach. Everyone was striving desperately to win the approval of this former state legend. As the new player, I represented a clear threat to the old blokes, but I hung around for the entire pre-season, toiling away in the nets, chatting to all the relevant power brokers to help me move up the grades. I was feeling good about my game; my fitness was improving a bit. I had even started wearing Skins.
A week before the start of the season proper, I was selected in an intra-club trial game that would ostensibly determine the teams for round one. Batting at first drop, I hit an unbeaten 88, at which point I was retired by the captain to give others a go. I sauntered off the field safe in the knowledge that I’d done enough to at least make third grade — possibly even seconds. The following Tuesday night, the selectors announced the teams for round one. I edged forward in my seat, listening intently for my name, but it was never called. I assumed that this was a simple oversight; after all, there was no way they could have looked past my excellent 88 not out, could they? I walked up to the selectors at the end of the meeting to find out what had happened. Having not been named in any of the five grades — five! — I asked whether they could check again to see if there had been a mistake.
‘Sorry son, but it’s a particularly strong group this year. We’ve got you on standby for fifth grade in case someone drops out,’ Harold, an 81-year-old club official and eczema sufferer, politely informed me.
‘But what about my glorious 88 not out?’ I implored.
The words ‘88 not out’ spat off my tongue like rapid-fire bullets. My delivery was well practiced; I’d been bragging about it all week. Surely my first score over 50 in six years had
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