The Autism Spectrum Guide to Sexuality and Relationships by Emma Goodall

Author:Emma Goodall
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781784502263
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Published: 2016-02-07T16:00:00+00:00

How to let someone know you are interested in getting to know them better – starting to date

If you have told other people that you are interested in dating (meeting someone with a view to a sexual/long-term relationship), they might set you up on a blind date. Blind dates are where two people meet up who have not previously met before, so they do not know what the other person looks like, which is why the term blind is used. These are usually arranged for people by either friends, colleagues or family. Most blind dates are not particularly enjoyable for either person.

If you have met the person before, instead of it being a blind date, it would be called a first date. (Nothing to do with calendars or fruit.) First dates are often equally unpleasant for everyone concerned. The reason first and blind dates are so difficult is anxiety. Both people are anxious about whether the other person will like them or not, if they will have anything to talk about, if they will like the movie/food/whatever activity they are doing and so on. People on the autism spectrum are used to living with this kind of anxiety, but for other people it can be incredibly stressful, as they do not usually think like this.

If you are going to go on a blind/first date you need to try to set it up to be as enjoyable as possible, otherwise you still won’t know at the end of the date if you even vaguely like each other or not. Things to think about are:

where to go

what to do

what time to meet

what to wear

how much it will cost (and who will pay for what).

For some people, ensuring there is wheelchair access or no bright lights would take priority, but for others the priority may be sharing an interest such as gaming or crafts. People usually have dates in the evening if they work regular hours (9am–5pm), so that they can go home, have a shower/bath, clean their teeth, brush their hair and put on clean clothes before meeting up at around 6 or 7pm. When thinking about cost and who will pay, this is a cultural thing, with men being expected to pay for the meal/outing for women in some places. However, it can avoid any problems to suggest ‘going Dutch’ when arranging the date. Going Dutch means that each person pays for their food/drink/ticket.

Typical blind/first dates might be:

meeting for a coffee/drink at a café

going to a restaurant for a meal

going to watch a movie

meeting up at an event and going around or watching the event together

having a picnic

going for a walk

going swimming.

You should always ensure that you have a way to signal who you are meeting, by, for example, describing yourself as ‘tall and thin with brown hair’ and asking ‘What do you look like so I will know who you are?’ You may also want to exchange mobile phone numbers or friend each other on Facebook so that you can message each other if there are any problems getting to the venue on time.

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